a year in my life

part seven

by ryan mcnally

hi, let's talk

here's a collection of thoughts i've written down throughout this year.

youtube doesn't let you write more than a few paragraphs in the actual description box under a video, so i thought this was an easier way to share my thoughts and not be limited to a word count.

read with caution, read with care.

number seven.

it'll go something
like this:

the relationship you're in? it'll end pretty soon. "forever was just a phase". it’ll break your heart knowing you caused a heartbreak. it sucks in the moment but you learned so much from it.

i’m nervous to tell you this, but you’ll be nauseous for about 6 months straight.

(yes that’s as bad as it sounds. be prepared.) you'll get lots of tests done. yea, cameras deep inside your body. around july you’ll get some answers and feel relatively better. feeling well after eating will never be an easy thing for you.

your clothing brand? say goodbye. it was far from a failure though. things don't have to last forever to be successful. the only way to truly appreciate something is to look at it in hindsight. the last drop will be everything you want it to be, and the documentary will impress you.

what goes up, must come down.

there’s gonna be a day where you accidentally make your hair purple. you and pit will walk into wawa and you’ll say “i’m about to look so dumb” and pit will respond “i can fight”. you have really good friends still.

you’ll gain the courage to split dye your hair again. you’ll get really good at wearing it with confidence too.

an old member of your life will wander back in for a month or two.

it’ll be fun, the dopamine will be worth it, but you’ll realize why it didn’t work out the first time. you two will go to a concert that'll change your brain forever. you’ll see that same concert again, three weeks later, by yourself this time.

oh, here’s a cool one - you’ll write a book and actually create the physical copy. people are gonna pay a lot of money to own it, you won't profit off of them tho. good job, good heart. people owning that piece of you is worth losing money for. it’ll make people cry, there’s nothing you can’t do.

you’ll find this song in november and you’ll fall in love with it. every year you're gonna find a new favorite song, so always look forward to the future.

you’ll spend a lot of time alone this year.

a lot. you haven’t lived with your parents since you were twenty though. you can do this, it’s nothing new. on the nights where the walls feel like they’re closing in, sit on the back porch and breathe. put your airpods on full blast. it may not be a cure, but it sure feels like one.

it'll be christmas time and everything will feel perfect. nothing matters, in the best way possible. you’re controlling your thoughts by telling your brain what’s in front of you. “you’re reading right now” stops you from thinking about anything else in the world. you learned that from a book, you need to read more of those.

it’ll be new year’s eve, you’ll be laying down knowing your parents are in the room over, and somehow, some way, everything in you will be at peace.

although you hate flying, know that you'll land safely in florida to celebrate your 22nd birthday. thank you for flying strange airlines.

YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT TO START LIVING YOUR LIFE

i have so much to say this year, there’s so much to feel.

so much distance, so many heartbreaks, so many lost connections.

i don’t wonder what could have been anymore,

i learn to smile and know i deserve this.

if you haven't watched the film yet, watch it here.

by the time you read this, i’ll be twenty two. sounds so old, but i know i’m so young.

the youngest i’ll ever be, to be exact.

i can’t believe it - but at the same time, i absolutely can. it’s been a lifetime.

i’ve lived so many eras, accomplished so many dreams. i’ve shed so many layers, screamed so many songs, dyed so many colors.

as i prepare to enter this last week of being a 21 year old, i’m taking notes and keeping appreciative. my mind is sharper than ever and the wind spirals around in ways i'm finding more and more rewarding.

i’m happy to be in this life as the portal opens.

the process of making this series isn’t just dragging clips together, it’s so much more. it’s maximum volume car rides with ten different playlists just to see how the songs fit together. I take note of how they make me feel while physically watching life pass out the window.

it’s watching the old 'year in my life' videos 1000 times to see what i can make better, and what i shouldn't keep doing. it’s putting together a puzzle and taking it apart 4 more times.

it’s watching a clip 9 times to decide which few frames to use, depending on whether or not the facial expressions in the clip match the emotion of the current song playing. it’s using the part of the raw footage that matches how fast the camera pans in the clip before it. it’s making sure there's time between the seasons, even if i didn’t record as much as i should have. it’s matching momentum of the song with the cuts to make sure the scenes flow.

it’s uploading so many rough drafts privately to youtube so i can watch them on every device i have. every screen displays color differently so i try to find the happy medium. i adjust the colors of each clip on my computer so that the clips won’t look over saturated on a TV but fine on an iphone.

dear 15 year old me,

i’m still following your format,

the same exact editing process.

most importantly, it’s making sure i do enough things every year to make it worth looking back on.

as we grow up, adventures fade out & friendships erode. with that being said, i notice that trying to make “a year in my life” look like the coming-of-age film it was in the first 6 volumes is only getting harder. i try my best, but i spend many nights afraid that this series will only decrease in footage value. who knows tho.

im yet to live my finest hour.

i’ll continue to ride out my friEndships, because i value dopamine and memories over human connection in most instances.

throughout the course of the year i sit with my thoughts and try to pinpoint which ones i really wanna share with you guys.

when i think about putting them into writing, it never crosses my mind how people are gonna perceive it.

leads me to think that i’m really just talking to myself every time i log something in here.

it’s nice though. i really love talking to you guys. sometimes i get scared that it’s gonna be the last time we can chat, so i try to share as much as i can every chance i get.

one thing i like to take note of is how this whole love of mine, my entire interest in films, is a product of nobody but myself. none of my friends make films. nobody in my life can offer me any type of film advice, nor can i grab inspiration from anyone around me. this is me. i don’t know where it came from, but i think it’s important to find the one thing in your life that makes your heart beat through your sweatshirt. the one thing that nobody can take from you, the one thing you’re willing to go broke for.
something nobody else has to like for you to love.

of course i was in that little influencer group* for a bit, that’s how many of us met. (referring to the audience, of course)
yes, i speak to / edit for very influential youtubers. regardless, i have nobody in my corner offering any type of help / advice for what i do

i’m not complaining. i just love myself for that.

i had my brother, and a little point and shoot video camera. we would make little youtube videos inspired by nigahiga and probably smosh, if i had to assume. we started a youtube channel (which still exists) and would upload everything we made. eventually i would make my own channel to be fully in charge of my films. i was 7 years old, and had no idea what my brother just introduced me to.

that love still hasn’t gone anywhere.
thank you brendan mcnally, we are so thankful for you. you’re the reason “a year in my life” exists.

*influencer group- let’s talk about that. i’m referring to the group of friends i had who were very popular on the internet in 2017.

i feel like it’s sort of the elephant in the room for my youtube channel. a cool easter egg for those who experienced that era.

you would never know i’m the same kid who was knocking tiles out of the walmart ceiling, but yea those are the same hands typing this rn.

if that’s when we met- thanks for still being here.

we kinda grew up together, that’s so cool to me.

i’m writing this to you from my car while sitting in a post office parking lot at 3:19 am, 1.22.23

i thought of something on my way here that i wanted to share-

i spent a lot of time with police officers this year. i didn't go to jail, my friends just became cops. i'm starting to see how that social position still has a personal life.

the elders in my life aren’t invincible the way i once perceived them to be.

i’m blessed to have not yet lost anybody. i’m starting to get reality checks though. times where i notice that as i get older, everybody else does too, seemingly at a faster rate.

i see my mom experiencing life away from her children for the first time. as much as it’s my mom, i know the spirit of a little girl is still inside there. all of her is what makes up who she is, every era of her life, every experience. i feel the same sorrow she does when we have to say bye to eachother.

what i’m trying to say is- everyone is getting humanized. everyone is one of me, we are everything. the human condition is realer now.

and it’s funny. when ur little, everything is perfect. the things that aren’t perfect are sugar coated by the people trying to protect you from the other side of the smiles.

i know i’m not old yet, but im getting older. old enough to really see the difference in life being this deep into it.

okay i just got home from the post office and i almost t boned a car because they made the most atrocious decision that bayville has ever seen. they pulled out when i was about 10 feet away from them

my body went nummmmbbb u have no idea

the timing of it was funny to me. a few minutes after expressing sadness in my grandparents growing old, i had a moment where i could’ve had my life altered at age 21. i’m grateful they’ve made it as long as they have, maybe i should focus on that. i’m grateful nobody was in the car with me, i’m grateful i was paying attention.

DAYS ARE A MENTALITY-
A TOXIC ONE AT THAT.

the term “sunday” makes you feel like it’s okay to lay there all day.

the term “friday” will make you feel bad about spending time with yourself.

on monday mornings, social media will tell you flood you with

"i hate monday" posts. the radio will even tell you they have music to "get you through the day".

to escape mondays is really to be ungrateful for a new day you have to experience life and everything the new week has to offer. essentially a fresh start, that most of us are taking for granted due to the social norm. not everyone gets to see another monday.

it's a new dawn, a new opportunity.

(2.16.22 - broward county, fl)

oh! another thing i wanted to talk to you about

do you realize how rich you are? look at your best friend. would u sell him for a million dollars? no! so right there you already have something that’s more valuable than a million dollars. now u can think about so many other friends , family members, prized prossessions.

now look at the fact that you’re spending your time stressing over money. meanwhile almost everything around you is worth more than money.

live in the moment okay? money isn’t the most important thing

the soundtrack -

there's another version of 'year in my life 7' with an entirely different music choice. i spent lots of time on it but i couldn't grow to love it. it didn't work well. i was prepared to release the worst 'year in my life' video to date.

when i sat down to recreate the entire soundtrack, i opened up an edit file i made in november 2019, in my MSU dorm. it was just two lorde songs mixed together in like 6 different ways. i picked that edit back up and reworked them into the new year in my life 7 soundtrack.

often times i'll create a good mix and it won’t fit the film i'm creating it for. it never leaves my brain though. imagine this soundtrack for 'year in my life 4'? atrocious. all i had to do was wait 3 years for it to make sense.

strictly using one artist was super experimental for me, i didn't know if i was risking the roller coaster of songs factor. i also didn't know how well pop songs would work with yearly recaps.

only using lorde songs is significant for a few reasons, a few may understand.

thanks el, you're the best artist of all time.

my hair -

i really thought the buzzcut would change my perspective. it’s so easy to hide behind your appearance when you have a nice head of hair, especially when it’s dyed. it sorta becomes the focal point of your face. that was my biggest fear of cutting all my hair off. i thought i would become self conscious enough to sort of have a mental reset, force myself to look at my appearance for what it is. i sit here looking like eleven from stranger things. there’s nothing taking away from my eyes nose and mouth.

and

i am so handsome. wow. this did the exact opposite of what i expected it to do. the buzzcut is life changing.

it’s really weird, when you think about the term “self conscious” you usually associate it with physical appearance.

sure there’s things i’m self conscious about but my appearance is not one of them. at all. i love how i look. i love when my hair is split dyed like xxxtentacion. it's so fun to look in the mirror and be like what the hell is that

i'm gonna keep making myself look however i want to. i don't care what you say, i don't live for you.

for your ears -

“can you hear the waves and the cicadas?”

i wanted this to be an experience for your ears as much as it is for your eyes.

hear the laughter of my friends

hear the celebrations of birthdays

hear us screaming at each other

hear gabe get slammed through a table

hear me saying bye to my grandparents in another language

i want you to feel like you’re with us.

the music sequence (in order) is:

a world alone

aline

supercut

the louvre

liability

liability (reprise)

hard feelings / loveless

liability (reprise)

ribs

perfect places

sober ii (melodrama)

a world alone

supercut

ten songs all seamlessly mixed. sometimes it’s the instrumental of one song while you’re hearing the acapella vocals of another song. i didn’t want to leave out a lyric she said, i didn’t want to leave out a feeling i get from those instruments.

SCARED TO RELEASE -

when i’m the only person who’s seen the film, it feels so personal. i’m so proud of it and it means so much to me.

the second i release it, i begin to hear people’s opinions on it & i sorta start to watch it from everyone else’s perspective. their theories on it, how it made them feel, which part they thought was the best, it all seeps into my subconscious and becomes my thoughts.

how do i fix that ?

the ephemeral moments i have with this film before it comes out are not taken for granted, i’m scared to let them go.

a year in my life 7 viewing party

thanks everybody

Add a title here. Make it bold and impactful. Click to edit.

"a world alone"

when nowhere feels like home,

everywhere starts feeling like home.

“come on,”

he asked me

“how many of these people did you think were REALLY gonna be in your life forever?”

i sighed

“every last one of them”

first year experiencing the alone side of the world. i'm feeling apprehensive. i'm feeling this way because i'm 22, my brain is rewiring to become an adult.

first full year living on my own.

every minute there’s over 500 hours of video uploaded to youtube and somehow you wound up here.

you consumed the video and cared enough to dig deeper and find a verbal representation of this year too.

out of everyone you’ve ever met in your life, you’re here reading words from my brain and nobody else’s.

the words from a kid you managed to cross paths with at one point or another.

maybe we haven’t even physically met yet, but the point is we’re here.

without getting too deep into it, i had a stroke a month ago. i was in new york to film the year in my life 7 intro when it happened. i know the phrase gets tossed around a lot but i was (in my mind) face to face with death. i couldn't form many words to put my thoughts in order but i was looking around at the distorted world for what i thought was the last time, or atleast the last time with no brain damage. sitting in the ER i was grateful that i was with a family member and i had just spent the last month in florida with my parents. i was content with that and preparing to never see the world with the same lens again.

and i don't. i have an entire new lens. the stroke didn't last long enough to physically alter my brain. i left the hospital that night good as new. every single day that i can see and walk is a perfect day.

i'm here

and so are you.

existing in this lifetime is as transcendent as any experience can be.

that's what this is about.

i want to leave you with this.

there’s a lot to be stressed about, sure. but, we are not here for very long, and soon enough we will hit an age where we are begging for more time. know that as you’re working on and preparing for your future, you are in the same life right now. treat yourself well in the current lifetime too, the only lifetime.

how we spend out days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

stop putting the phone in your face the second you wake up. find a vacation in everyday. rewatch the same show 40 times if it makes your weeks flow nicer. text someone you shouldn’t, just to feel that rush in your chest. do things and know that you don’t owe anyone an answer when they ask you why. maybe start doing things alone to remind yourself you're the one in control of everything.

as always,

mother

fucking

always,

"what makes me love you"